Category Archives: Musing

An honest look

With a whole slew of my friends getting married or getting their dream jobs or simply getting knocked up… I feel obligated to freak out just a little bit. I don’t know what I thought I would be doing in my early twenties… But I figured life would specifically be heading somewhere.

But while trippin quietly to myself while giving everyone props, I stopped to consider why that is… And the reasons after a bit of introspection were a little shocking.
I am daunted by the concept of living life. It’s not that it scares me to be alive… It’s more that I am overwhelmed by the innumerable options I have with ways I could spend my time.

1. I feel embarrassed about investing my time in things that may be unsuccessful in the future.

The concept of investing my time in starting a business only to have it fail, to pursue a career in music only to be met with shitty reviews and no gigs, to write my novel only for it to be trite nonsense when read back to me… I’m afraid to fail. I don’t want to find out I’m not as awesome as I think I am.

2. I’m depressive.

It’s not that I’m living in a cozy blanket of misery.. It’s that it takes an extra push for me to find something that truly gets me out of bed and excited. I need to actually go out of my way to take an interest in life and that’s because…

3. I’m not actually following my passions

Instead of using the time that I have to myself to home a skill that I value so that I’m prepared for my next big opportunity, I futz about paralyzed by musings. Instead of writing exercises or reading monologues or practicing vocal technique… I nope about not have a show or a due date and sulk. It’s not just being lazy… I’m also exhausted because finally…

4. I don’t take care of myself

I used to work out to strengthen my body. Study to strengthen my mind. Meditate to temper my spirit. Now I sort of think about doing those things… But that’s all I do.

Because I’ve forgotten how to live for myself. I don’t do the things that are important to me. And it’s taking a toll. It makes my life feel less worth living. That’s no ones fault but my own.

It’s not that I’m a total slob who lives in his PJs and stained sweats… It’s that I’m not aspiring to accomplish all those things that feed my spirit. I’m not feeding my spirit.

If you don’t feed things… They start to die

Melancholia

There was going to be an entire depressing post here about my insignificance and lack of purpose, but I deleted several drafts and decided to put this here instead.

You are valuable.
You can achieve something.
You can succeed at something.
And someone somewhere loves you.

Faily post 12: blast!

I was so close to everyday posts guys, but illness and absentminded sneaks caused me to miss a post.
There’s been a lot of faltering on my part in terms of sticking to all of the things I wanted to do. And the blog is the last of the dominoes to topple I suppose.
This is not a resignation. This is simply realization of the lack of discipline I suffer from and a resolution to redouble my efforts.
Like I tend to say often these days, “Tomorrow is a new day.”

Daily Post 9: I’m in love btw

Midday post ho!

So today, it’s time for the WEEKEND UPDATE!

I’m madly in love with a girl named “Fred”. (there’s an obscure theater joke in there)

Have I told you guys that? Have been for months, I could gush about her for hours, but you’d start to hate me. She’s fantastic. She’s beautiful, she funny, and she makes me want to be a better man.

Part of all of my efforts to be a better person are about me. And part of them are about the people I love… There’s also a tiny part of it that’s about the people who hate me. I want them to drink in my six pack and drunk text me their confessions of adoration to which I’ll reply, “sorry, darling, but I’m taken.”

Not really. I’m not that narcissistic. I pretend to be.

But on a similar note, self-love is important in many aspects of life. If I didn’t love myself I wouldn’t want to push myself to be better. If I didn’t love myself I wouldn’t know how to treat “Fred” with love.

I have to like myself. Love myself even. I’m stuck with me after all.

Daily Post 8: A Better Bed Time

I need to find a way to get to sleep. I need to find a way to write in the day time. While I’ve managed to keep blogging everyday, strange injuries are preventing me from working out the way I want to and sleeping as well as I would otherwise.

If I could go to bed at 11 and do all my midnight business at 4am… I think I’d’ve conquered the world by now.

My language learning pursuits have slipped a little, too.

I’m a little saddened by all the things I’ve had to put on hiatus today, but one setback doesn’t have to mean the end of a good thing. I’ll call it forced R&R and get back to work at a less maddening pace soon. Molding yourself into the person you want to be is possible. It just takes will power.

Daily Post 7: The Aussies

So my last post just vanished, I posted it from my phone this morning and I don’t know where it went.

…anyway

This morning I woke up this morning in a hostel with some Australian guys.

As part of my self-improvement project, I decided to pick up an old habit of mine I like to call, “Mini-adventures”. Mini adventures are where if the opportunity to try something new or do something I normally wouldn’t or even revisit something I haven’t in years comes up, I give it a try. Sometimes I learn a new song, sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I try KFC chicken thinking, “It can’t be as bad as it was 5 years ago”

SPOILER ALERT: It’s still terrible.

So, when the opportunity came to meet my friend Camila’s new boyfriend and all his mates for a Giants game and some drinks I was like… “well, fuck yeah.”

I learned a bunch of stuff about Aussies, had some fantastic times. Some great moments I may never remember with people I won’t soon forget.

If you get the chance to party with some Aussies, just do it.

 

Tonight… we go dancing.

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