An honest look

With a whole slew of my friends getting married or getting their dream jobs or simply getting knocked up… I feel obligated to freak out just a little bit. I don’t know what I thought I would be doing in my early twenties… But I figured life would specifically be heading somewhere.

But while trippin quietly to myself while giving everyone props, I stopped to consider why that is… And the reasons after a bit of introspection were a little shocking.
I am daunted by the concept of living life. It’s not that it scares me to be alive… It’s more that I am overwhelmed by the innumerable options I have with ways I could spend my time.

1. I feel embarrassed about investing my time in things that may be unsuccessful in the future.

The concept of investing my time in starting a business only to have it fail, to pursue a career in music only to be met with shitty reviews and no gigs, to write my novel only for it to be trite nonsense when read back to me… I’m afraid to fail. I don’t want to find out I’m not as awesome as I think I am.

2. I’m depressive.

It’s not that I’m living in a cozy blanket of misery.. It’s that it takes an extra push for me to find something that truly gets me out of bed and excited. I need to actually go out of my way to take an interest in life and that’s because…

3. I’m not actually following my passions

Instead of using the time that I have to myself to home a skill that I value so that I’m prepared for my next big opportunity, I futz about paralyzed by musings. Instead of writing exercises or reading monologues or practicing vocal technique… I nope about not have a show or a due date and sulk. It’s not just being lazy… I’m also exhausted because finally…

4. I don’t take care of myself

I used to work out to strengthen my body. Study to strengthen my mind. Meditate to temper my spirit. Now I sort of think about doing those things… But that’s all I do.

Because I’ve forgotten how to live for myself. I don’t do the things that are important to me. And it’s taking a toll. It makes my life feel less worth living. That’s no ones fault but my own.

It’s not that I’m a total slob who lives in his PJs and stained sweats… It’s that I’m not aspiring to accomplish all those things that feed my spirit. I’m not feeding my spirit.

If you don’t feed things… They start to die

Advertisements